I have been fortunate enough to make it 7 of the 9 months of pregnancy alive. I have a handful of friends experiencing or thinking of experiencing the joys of fatherhood. In case anything happens in the last 2 months I decided to share my secrets with you all. I have developed 5 steps to surviving to see the birth of your child without being eaten.

This fish could be you

1) Don’t poke the bear – On the surface bears appear to be cute and cuddly. You might from time to time be tempted to hug, pet, or poke it. Don’t. They will literally eat your face off.

Your pregnant wife is the same way. She has this cute, seemingly cuddly, Buddha belly. Hugging and petting are acceptable; unlike bears she will actually enjoy this. However during pregnancy women develop an extra bear hormone. If you make fun of, laugh at or poke the belly she will turn into a bear. And she will eat you. No questions asked.

2) Feed the bear – Bears need to eat. Assuming you follow rule #1 and have managed to avoid being eaten you will need to feed her to ensure this continues. It is impossible to guess what the bear actually wants to eat. One minute it is honey, the next steak, and then she will start eating bananas and cheese. Don’t try to guess. Instead either stock every item from a grocery store or move to an actual grocery store. If not, she will eat you.

3) The bear is pretty – Tell her this. Bears have low self-confidence. You love anything they wear and they always look beautiful. This is especially true of the space that the little baby bear is growing. If at any point the bear does not feel pretty, she will eat you.

4) Once a bear, always a bear – While your little bear cub might roll out just fine and the momma bear no longer feels the effects of the steps above, she is still a bear. I mention this because other bears surround you all the time. If at any point complain about bear behavior to a former bear she will revert back to bear state and eat you.

5) Never, ever, under any circumstances refer to the bear as a bear – Yes, they are fully aware that they are a bear. They probably suspect you know it to. This truth can never be uttered or alluded to. Certainly never write a blog post about bear-ness. She will eat you

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  • http://twitter.com/kellimarks Kelli Marks

    I’m grouchy and moody enough without growing another person. I can only imagine what that is like. Also, I can only imagine what having to be around it 24/7 is like.
    Here’s to hoping you both make it out alive.

  • Fasc Ed

    I would like to askk permission to use your image of a bear with a salmon in his mouth to teach middle school children about consumption of energy.
    Thank you.
    Sheldn Margulies
    Silver Spring, MD

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