I have experimented with facial hair off and on since college, however a little over a year ago it stuck, literally. It was late October of 2010 and a coworker asked if I wanted to do Movember with him. It was the first time I had ever heard of growing a mustache in November, but I figured what the heck, so I said yes.

I went home and proceeded to not shave for a few days. Finally when time came to burst out of my face fuzz cocoon and become a beautiful mustached butterfly I hesitated. Grant it most of my hesitation was a fear of looking like a 90’s porn star. So instead I found a technicality, if I just went full beard I would not look half as ridiculous and technically I would still have the mustache along with a chin friend. (the friend by the way took my idea and did the same)

Somehow the beard stuck. The wife liked it mostly. So when December 1 came around I decided to keep it. Now I’ve got a year and some change behind my beard and I’ve learned ways that it is awesome. (note that I did actually shave it one time while on paternity leave, hated it and grew it back out before anyone noticed)

1. Do it like a Big Bear: Bears (the grizzly kind, not the other kind) with the exception of the honey badger are probably the most ferocious woodland creature. Everything and everyone is scared of a bear except other bears. The beard gives you certain bear like qualities which scares off lesser woodland creatures while giving you rapport with the indigenous bear population, which keeps you from being ate by said bears. Note however that certain female bears might want to hibernate with you for a bit. Might I suggest spooning to keep your cover.

2. Protection from the Cold: Believe it or not we are in the dead of winter. You wouldn’t know it by the 70 degree temperatures, but we are here. Eventually it will get cold or global warming will trigger an ice age and you are going to have a sudden desire to become warmer. A beard is like a wool coat for your face. You get to sit back and laugh while the smoother types have frost bitten chins. For added protection, you can even throw on a beard warmer.

3. Portable Food Storage: Let’s face it, if you have a beard you are going to at some point walk away from lunch with some leftover enchiladas. Embrace the food storage. Come 3:00 and your office neighbor is scavenging for a snack you have one a tongue swipe away.

The pinnacle of beardness, there is no questioning his gender - Brett Keisel

4. Extra Sleep: Think about the mass number of men who have to get up and shave their entire face every morning. Now dream about that while you are enjoying your additional 4.5 minutes of sleep that you get because you do not have to shave. As an added bonus you can simply shampoo your face along with your head instead of having to do a separate face washing. Just make sure to not grab your girl’s shampoo or you will walk around all day smelling strawberries and cream. Might I recommend my favorite Beer Shampoo

5. Easily Identifiable Gender: My friend @kellimarks has made me aware of something called a “gender reveal party” that she discovered when she opened the bakery. Now I have no clue what goes on at these parties, but I am picturing a bunch of gender questionable people standing around in a circle placing bets on what they think each other are. Then in some way shape or form revealing this to the others. With a beard you never have to experience this.
*note, in extremely rare instances this could result in a false positive in gender identification. Never use beards to judge the gender of circus workers or librarians.

  • http://kelli-marksthespot.blogspot.com/ Kelli Marks

    I think you’re still missing the point of the gender reveal party. It’s OK. 
    I wanted to tell you that I’ve had a couple of friends tell me that some guy they know read about my bakery from a blog. Your blog! I didn’t know guys read blogs. But I guess if they write them, then they should read them, huh? Thanks again, everyone seems to find your ‘Why a guy shouldn’t go to a bakery opening’ post quite funny.

Set your Twitter account name in your settings to use the TwitterBar Section.