Yesterday started off as any normal day. Brandie had an appointment at 1 with the baby doc so I got to work a little early to try to cram in as much as possible so I can take a long lunch to go with her.
What happen ended up being one of those moments where time seems to stand still for a while. We just got back from a fantastic trip to Chicago, I was looking forward to my packed schedule the next couple of days, and I felt a little revived from my break. We got in to the room and the doctor had the doppler out checking for a heart beat… and nothing happen. We were moved quickly down to the ultra sound room and it was confirmed that sometime between the last visit and this one the baby had stopped growing and didn’t make it.
Everything in the world just seemed to fade into the background. We had no clue, Brandie had no problems so far, and in just a routine we visit the world seemed to stop for just a few minutes. The doctor never used the word miscarriage, of course she never had to. She works in the NICU with Brandie and both of them just gave each other a look of understanding.
When we first found out Brandie was pregnant I wasn’t sure how I felt. I certainly didn’t think I was cut out to be a dad. True it was slightly planned, but it felt like I was more giving into the inevitable than actually wanting a kid. I struggled the next month of knowing with it, having a hard time accepting that it was really happening.
Then came the first doctors visit, the moment I heard that little heart beat I melted a little. All the insecurities faded a way and I was truly excited about it. We had told most of our friends by that time just because in the age of social media we didn’t want anyone we cared about to find out second hand. After the visit however we had always heard that was when it was ok to tell people, that the critical stage was over. I started this blog and really saw my life move from being just about me to being something more.
I had hoped the post after the doctors visit to be exciting about hearing a stronger heart beat, from the same heart that captured me in the first place. Instead there was nothing but silence, and a day after I feel like I have slipped into that silence a little. So sorry I missed Daybreak this morning, and don’t expect me at Tweetup tonight. You all have been great friends, but it might be more than I can take right now. I still haven’t decided what I am going to do with this blog, I guess just hang on to the domain until the next try. If you have a suggestion let me know.
Funny how much a perfectly normal day can change your life. I feel like a completely different person than I was when I woke up yesterday morning. No one tells you how hard this can be.
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