Here I am, closing in on 48 hours after it all. The last two days have seemed like months or years rather than hours.
Wednesday afternoon when everything happen Brandie and I were faced with the almost humiliating task of telling people. We called our parents and asked them to just tell the rest of the family. I knew I could not go through the story more than a couple of times. After telling my bosses at work I was done, there was no way I could face it again. I sent off a few of quick emails to professors and some people waiting on work from me to know that I would more than likely not be around for the rest of the week.
We pretty much locked ourselves in that night, didn’t take a lot of phone calls, were very cryptic in any messages we responded to, and mostly just comforted each other. The next morning I had a lot that I felt I needed to get off my chest, but I knew that I couldn’t keep it together long enough to actually tell anyone. I decided to just write a short blog post and get a few things out. I figured a couple of you that read the blog from time to time would pick it up and pass the word around. Then time would slowly speed back up to normal and I would eventually get over it. Of course once I started writing things just kept flowing out, and a short message ended up being much longer than expected.
I posted the message, closed the computer, and spent some time with Brandie. What I absolutely did not expect was the huge amount of support that we have received. A couple of text messages came in about 5 minutes after posting, when I checked my email I had over 20 emails ranging from comments to DM’s. Over the course of the night that number grew to the point I stopped counting. When things slowed down a bit later in the night Brandie and I sat down on the couch together and read through the 100+ comments on the blog, DM’s, mentions on twitter, comments on facebook and messages in various forms you all sent us. Even more overwhelming was the number of people who read my message that was originally suppose to just let a few people know.
There were some of you that I count as close personal friends mixed in with some of you who I have never had the opportunity to meet but would love to. Your response has really helped us get through the past couple of days. In reality you guys have shown us that you are as much family as someone with the same blood line, sometimes even more.
A lot of you have asked how we are doing, and I have not been able to respond to everyone. Brandie is doing well, her work in neonatal ICU has helped her deal with this a little better than I can. She tries to relate medically and through experience to what is going on and that has helped her. She is hurting over the loss though and I know it is not over yet.
I have not quite figured out where I stand yet. Part of me wants to rationalize and say 1 in 5 people have this problem and it was not even born yet. The other part that is starting to take hold though says regardless of if the baby was born we just lost a child that I loved very much. Every time I think I am taking a step forward in dealing with the issue I feel like I take an even bigger step back.
What I am grateful for though is all of you who have become family. I have no clue how we would be able to make it without you all. Thanks so much for everything
Tagsaugust tweetup baby baby crap belly rub blogger blue or pink? bump can you believe they let me become a dad? chicago bulls cravings dad dad-to-be daughter fanny pack v2 fat husband first post food football player or cheerleader? freakout greg wins for once help hurt it jeans kung fu dad lots of food maternity minivan must just be the shirt my grandma would be proud omg pregnancy mystery pregnant round 2 sleep snacking someone is stupid enough to buy this sort of like AA but with alcohol support group Time to find a bunker told you so too deep for a Tuesday waist what is this hump wild grandma