Let’s face it, we are doomed. The worst of it is Arkansas appears to be ground zero for the apocalypse. Since New Years Eve we have had 3,000 birds fall dead unexpectedly out of the sky, 85,000(yes eighty five thousand) fish go belly up in the Arkansas River, a few earthquakes and (perhaps the biggest sign) @laureneclark finally got a TV gig. It is time for us to accept reality and begin preparing for the end of the world.

As a fan of both apocalyptic and post-apocalyptic books and films it should be noted that the end of the world is sort of misleading. People always end up living after the end. I’ve gone back and analyzed some of my favorites and made a list of tips to survive annihilation and move on to a powerless, dirty, cannibal infested paradise.

Stock up – This might sound a little basic, but how many times do you see people having to scavenge for food (The Road)? Get you a good stock of water, canned food and batteries.
Alternative plan – take over a Sam’s Club or Costco.

Learn to shoot a bow and arrow – Sure, bullets have their advantages, but you are going to be here for a while. You will quickly run out, you can always retrieve arrows. Plus in the case of Zombies  the noise of gunshots attract them, and if we are unfortunate enough to have Vampires arrows make an optimal killing weapon once guns are scarce.

Don’t be near the reporter when it all starts – Typically there is a young upstart reporter on assignment when it all goes down (looking at you Lauren Clark). Take my advice, stay far away. Everyone around her dies in this scenario and she is left alone with the camera. Thankfully she (usually) gets out alive.

Do be with a kid – Children are your lifeline in the apocalypse. They almost always make it. Usually someone is fortunate enough to be watching over the kid who survives as well. Plus they are always good for at least one save you from sure death situation. Ava needs to hurry up and get here or I am stealing a kid.

Be last minute – The government or a bunch of rich people usually have some plan, bunker, space ship, boat or top secret air force base to ensure future survival. Figure out where. What you do not want to do is get there early, they will shoot you. If you come running up begging for mercy right as they are closing the door you get the sympathy pass, so be last minute. Again, a kid helps out a lot here.

Lose your loved one – If you really love someone, lose them. Couples that stay together die together. Instead if you lose them and spend all your energy trying to find them you both end up surviving. Freaky cool how this always works.

Act crazy – The cannibals always go after the normal people. Don’t be that person. Act wacky. Run around yelling, strip down naked and smear poop all over yourself. No one wants to eat a crazy person.

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  • Jhj

    Ha! This is hilarious. I love it.

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